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Just another sleepy post January 26, 2009

Posted by Steve in diary.
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After midnight.  I lay with my computer in my lap again, wondering, again, if my fingers will produce any words worthy of reading.

I have felt poorly today.  My emotional ebb is low.  I have friends all around me who are suffering from various degrees of hurt.  Their pain is greater than mine, but my pain is enough for me.  Mine is without good cause, at least not cause that I am consciously aware of.  I can think of no way of describing my state of mind that is not cliche, so I won’t bother describing it.  Suffice it to say that I now feel what most others have experienced at some point in their lives.  No big deal, if you look at it from that perspective.

Others suffer, and I’m too tired to try to heal.  It is not my job, I know.  But helping others is one of the ways I define myself.  Even if I could be described as gifted in other ways, without this helpful aspect of myself, my life bears little meaning.

I feel, so badly, the desire to cocoon myself.  It would be futility, and I would gain nothing from it.   Reality awaits me outside of whatever temporary walls I erect.  I cannot hide from it for long.  Denying reality is the way insanity lies.  As hard as reality is to define, one must still seek to define it, and come up with the best “reasons” as possible.

Sleep is what I need now.  Sleep and peace and rest, and a feeling of love from somewhere.

I tweated HolyGod tonight requested a hug from him or his kid.  Can’t hurt, can it?

eyes closing.  It’s been a long day.  Very tired. Good night, and sweet dreams, all.

Alphonsus

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