Steven's Random Drivel

Plenty of time… June 20, 2009

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Hi.  Just me.  Not sure what I want to say, but I feel the urge to say something.

I’m existing in my usual state of operational confusion, having difficulty coming to terms with my avatar, my humanity, my abilities as a thinker and as a writer, and my role in life.  Nothing new there.  This kind of thing seems to be human nature.  I am, fortunately, content with my life for the most part.

Tired of lying in the sunshine
staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long
and there is time to kill today

I received a nice little, anonymous response to my very first ever blog posting, basically asking me to look at how far I’ve come since that day.

How far have I come?  In some ways, I am much the same.  In others, I am very, very different.  I have been crushed, folded, and mutilated by some measures, and I have achieved marvelous things by others.  I no longer see myself in the same way that I did before.  I am not the same person.

And then one day you find
ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run,
you missed the starting gun

And for a while, I became, at least by my measures, nothing.  Now, a new me is rising from the ashes of my existence.  In some ways, I am very much the same as I was.  In other ways?  Well, I’m not sure what the other ways are yet.  I am still becoming.

My writing is improving by some measures.  I am a wordsmith…a manipulator of the written form.  I’ve learned some secrets to good writing.  What I haven’t gained, alas, is the will for the skill.  Too easily distracted.  Too afraid to try.

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you’re older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

But fear has always been what’s held me back, really.  Fear of failure.  Fear of not living up to the potential I see myself as having.  Being ‘kinda’ smart is often its own worst curse.  Smart enough to see what I could make of myself.  Not smart enough to find the tools to get to that point.

Every year is getting shorter
Never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to nought
Or half a page of scribbled lines

Oh well.  There is time–lots of time–for me to accomplish what I can accomplish.  I can do it.  I just need to be a little bit patient with myself.

Hanging on in quiet desperation is the human way
The time is gone
The song is over
Thought I’d something more to say

Yes.  I will start accomplishing all that I want to accomplish with my life…tomorrow.  There is plenty of time. 🙂

Alphonsus